Once a Coward, Always a Coward
by Tossino
Summary: When the war ends, Lavi and Kanda decide not to let things end between them. But Lavi, or Bookman to be correct, never follows through on that. Years later, he runs into Kanda, who isn't happy. LaviYu, LaviKanda, yaoi/shounen-ai


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LAVI~!

**Title:** Once a Coward, Always a Coward

**Summary:** When the war ends, Lavi and Kanda decide not to let things end between them. But Lavi, or Bookman to be correct, never follows through on that. Years later, he runs into Kanda, who isn't happy.

**Pairing:** LaviYu

**Genre:** Romance, drama

**Rating:** T

**Warnings:** Shounen-ai, mentions of sex, Kanda's foul mouth, Lavi's written as "Bookman" most of the fic to make it work like I wanted it to, figured maybe I should give a heads-up.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own DGM. LaviYu would be canon if I did~

This was written for **sekitx2 **on Livejournal (http: / / sekitx2. livejournal. com), who was one of the two who won the LaviYu Festival's edit competition (http: / / thelaviyufesthq. livejournal. com/ 1698. html). Her request was: _What happens at the end of the war? Do they both live? What comes next for them? Assuming established relationship of some time. _

And this was what popped into mind. I feel like I tried to chew more than I can swallow, but... I did my best. xD Point out any spelling errors and the like that I missed, and enjoy!

* * *

**~ Once a Coward, Always a Coward ~**

This was the one goodbye Lavi couldn't avoid.

He stayed away from everyone else because he could only handle so much, but he couldn't avoid this one, and he knew that. Because this was Kanda and Kanda wasn't going to accept that. He had already turned in the uniform and everything that belonged to that; the headband, the scarf. And his Innocence of course. This was it.

It was over.

At least soon. Kanda was still wearing his uniform because all those Exorcists that weren't the Bookman still had loose ends to tie together. Lavi would record that, but he was officially leaving the Order today. And only Kanda and Komui knew that, but that was just how he wanted it; he didn't want to see Lenalee's, Krory's or Allen's sadness, he didn't need that, because it was painful enough as it was.

It was very painful to say goodbye to Kanda, very painful, but at least Kanda didn't look at him with that kind of sadness. It was just a solemn, gentle expression that showed that he was okay with this. He understood that Lavi had a duty and wouldn't stop him from fulfilling that duty because duty was duty and Kanda put very much importance into that. Of course, being okay with it didn't equal being happy about it.

Lavi was wearing his old poncho and his old black bandanna, and there was a lack of a short panda at his side. But that was fine. It was odd, but it was fine. He was okay with that now.

"We're not going to just let it die," Kanda said softly and reached across the distance between them that was too far to touch just like that, asking Lavi to take his hand. Lavi didn't find it in him to deny him that, even if it felt like he should, and took the hand. Loosely. "I'll trust you to track me down eventually."

Kanda's expression was still soft, but his eyes held a firmness that demanded Lavi to say that he would. And, well, he didn't feel like letting it die either.

"Yeah," he said, wanting to step closer but resisting that urge out of fear that if he got too close he would be unable to step away. That would be just like him.

Then again, he could trust Kanda to kick his ass into motion.

Even so, he slowly let go of Kanda's hand and stepped away, turning away and beginning to walk. Down the road and far away.

He raised his hand. "See ya," he said casually.

Lavi ran off him and was left on the dirty road for Kanda to pick up.

He was Bookman now.

. . .

That day, he took off his eye-patch.

. . .

It was a tough thing. In the last years of the war, Lavi and Kanda had been practically inseparable. Especially during the last year. Maybe because they had a feeling it was going to end soon, and that that would be the end of them too.

But apparently it wasn't the end of them.

Probably because Kanda had unexpectedly survived.

After all, they had always thought that by the end of the war Kanda would be dead and Lavi would be a Bookman and it would all be fine. It was a bit of a hopeful and naïve belief because it wouldn't have been fine, just maybe a little bit easier in one way while harder in another. It would have been easier in the way that Lavi, no, it was _Bookman_ now, wouldn't have had to leave Kanda because there wouldn't have been anything to leave, and harder in the way that Kanda would have been _dead_.

And now that Kanda was alive, it was easier in the way that he was _alive_ and Bookman knew he was alive, and harder in the way that Bookman had had to leave him. And that was hard because it had been them for so long. And now it all of a sudden wasn't. And that was a very hard thing to deal with.

It took a long time.

Six years passed, and Bookman didn't try to contact Kanda. He did his duties as a Bookman as if there had never been the Black Order in his life. It wasn't that he denied it or anything, no, he thought of it as something too important for that, but he didn't think about them. Not if he could stop it. He was fine, and yet not, because... It still hurt. Having left like that, that still hurt. Having left and not... having those people around him anymore. But that was something he had to deal with, that was something he had accepted he had to deal with, so he was dealing with it. Somewhat.

It was a cloudy but fairly warm day in Ramsgate in England, to the east of London and right next to the coastline, and he was just testing the waters a little and doing some research. Six whole years after the Holy War ended and the world was still recovering from it, but that was to be expected. He was making sure to move around and record the progress of the recovery while still keeping up another record on the side, and that was a lot of work but at least it took his mind off other tougher things.

The smell of the sea was fresh in the air and people were shipping fish and other sea food into the stores and restaurants and the like after a long morning out on the waters. Bookman couldn't exactly say he liked the smell of fish so much, but it was bearable, especially mixed with everything else. The movements of the citizens registered with striking detail in his mind, every twitch of muscle reached his eyes.

Being without his eye-patch was both an easy and a hard thing. Sometimes, the amount of details he could take notice of was a bit overwhelming, but he was at least getting somewhat used to it. It usually wasn't much of a problem anyway now.

He brushed his fringe out of his eyes. He had let his hair grow after leaving the Order, just to have a bit of a change and, well, he had thought that maybe it would help the pain.

Not that it had.

He had grown rather fond of long hair, anyway. Maybe because Kanda had had it, he didn't really know. And no, he definitely didn't do that because he missed Kanda and it reminded him of that grumpy samurai, what kind of idea was that?

An idea that made very much sense was what it was.

He didn't really put down that much time into taking care of his hair, but he did take care of it somewhat. It was still messy, but keeping it in a low ponytail at least helped keep it somewhat tidy. It wasn't as messy as it always was when it was short.

After kicking a pebble out of the way on the road, he paused briefly, feeling as if he was being watched. He tilted his head a little and frowned, and he was just about to turn around to check when there was an _all too familiar_ voice behind him and he had no idea if he was happy to hear it or not. Or more like he didn't manage to grasp that he was actually hearing it.

"Lavi...?"

The tone was soft, hesitant, but still firm somehow because that had always been the nature of that voice with barely any exceptions, and it was just as deep as it always had been.

Why was the world such a small place?

Bookman apparently took too long to react. (He might have tensed just a little too.)

"Or maybe it's Bookman now."

The tone had no softness left now, and no hesitance. His reaction had said more than any words could, hadn't it?

He turned slowly, just his head first, to the left, and sure enough, there he was. There was no doubt that that was Kanda Yu. His face had matured, it was sharper, older...manlier, but he was still very pretty. His hair was still in the same style it always had been. Straight-cut fringe, bangs that hung in front of his ears, and a high ponytail in the back. It was just... incredibly long. The ponytail in the back was, more exactly.

His heart made a loop straight into his throat, preventing any words from coming out, and he was suddenly all too aware of its beating. It was very fast, way too fast, and way too loud. Kanda... Kanda was standing right in front of him. The man he had been through hell and back with, the man who had put up with his awful way to deal with a relationship and taught him invaluable life lessons that weren't really important to a Bookman but that he still valued. The man who he was...

...never supposed to see again.

Even if they had decided...

Crap.

There were suddenly all of these emotions running through him, swirling around and demanding somewhere to go, or some way to escape at least. His heart was soaring and hurting and shattering and putting itself back together and twisting and rushing and beating in his stomach and in his throat and bursting out of his chest all at once, and even more than that, and it felt like he just stared at Kanda for ages but he was sure that not that much time really passed.

It was with great effort that he managed to put a lid on those feelings that made him want to run and hide and kiss Kanda and hold him and hurt him and push him away all at once, and he had probably been trembling for a little while there when he suppressed all of those urges. Because he was a Bookman and he could control his fucking feelings, damn it.

He loosened his clenched fists. "Hey, Kanda," he said and smiled a little with just one side of his mouth. It was probably closer to a grimace.

Kanda's eyes flew wide open - and his mouth nearly did the same, but it just opened a little instead - at that for a moment, and it probably hurt him just as much to be called that from "Lavi" of all people as it hurt Bookman to say it. Lavi had practically not called him that ever since he found out his first name, after all.

Served him right, because it hurt Bookman to have Kanda call him by his title. Even if he hadn't really called him that, just asked if he should, really, but still. It still hurt. Even if it shouldn't.

He pushed the lid over his emotions down harder. He wouldn't be able to hold it there for much longer.

"You..." Kanda began, his shocked expression disappearing just as quickly as it had appeared, replaced by an angry scowl, and he was staring particularly hard at that one right eye of Bookman's. "I need to talk to you."

But there were loads of other emotions behind those dark eyes too, not just anger. Confusion, doubt, joy, disbelief, relief... To Bookman's eyes, he was more of an open book than he had ever been to Lavi's one eye (and heart). He was struggling with this too, but he was focused on one thing as well, because he just was like that. And he wouldn't give up.

And Bookman wouldn't be able to hold in those goddamn feelings much longer.

_Damn it_.

So there wasn't anything else he could do but take Kanda to the Inn he was staying and have some damn talk. This just wasn't happening. This wasn't good. But, God, it was so damn good to see you, Kanda. It had just been too long and he was very damn _overjoyed_ and yet angry and he wanted to yell at Kanda and ask what the hell he was doing and-

The feelings were already beginning to get out. They just had to get away from the streets _now_.

"Not here," he said and walked past Kanda, making especially sure that they wouldn't touch in any way.

Kanda let out an especially disapproving snarl, but followed. Didn't he think it was better to talk in private too? Well, that was probably why he followed. The snarl was probably because Lavi didn't even touch him...

...Kanda was actually here... He lived here? Of all the places... Stay down, emotions, just stay down. The Inn wasn't that far away, so if they could just stay under that lid for a couple of minutes it would be fine. Well, no, it wouldn't really, but it was better to let them out in private than out in the street. Bookman would rather not have Kanda around to see it either but that wasn't an option because Kanda was... Kanda. But maybe he didn't mind that so much either. No, he didn't mind that so much.

Rather, he was feeling pretty happy about the idea of getting Kanda alone. In a room with a bed-

Hormones were getting into play too now. Just brilliant. Just what he needed.

He rubbed his forehead and took a deep breath, pushing back all those things once again. He could feel Kanda's intense gaze on the back of his neck, and that wasn't helping one bit. Why the hell did this have to happen? He wanted to jump from joy and scream from frustration, but mostly the latter because this was what he really didn't want. He really didn't.

At least, that was what he tried to tell himself.

Well! It really depended on a lot of different things! Really.

As soon as he had entered his room at the Inn and he heard the door close, he growled and pressed the heels of his palms to his forehead, lightly gripping his fringe. Marching to the far end of the room, he leaned on his elbows against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing slowly and calmly. He wasn't going to look at Kanda, he wasn't. Not yet, at least.

"Kanda... What the hell are you doing here?" he muttered.

Kanda snorted. "I live here, what else?" he asked dryly, then added scathingly; "_Bookman_."

Bookman flinched and slowly lowered his hands, pressing his forehead against the wall with a heavy sigh. "You... Don't..." he said silently and grimaced.

It hurt, hearing Kanda call him that _and_ say it like it was some sort of curse. And that fed the anger and the pain and the sadness and he was too damn scared to let it all out because he had no idea what would happen if he did. Too much of the happiness and he would kiss Kanda and that wasn't a good idea, too much anger and he would probably hurt Kanda and that wasn't a good idea, too much of the sadness and he would probably cry. It was just too much. What the hell did a person do with that amount of feelings whirling around? Sure, he had had strong emotions a lot of times but not like this, not at all like this.

It was very damn tiring.

He stumbled back and slumped down on the bed, putting his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. All the while, he could feel Kanda glare at him.

" 'Don't call me Bookman'?" Kanda asked bitterly. "Was that what you were planning to say? What else am I supposed to call you? You're not Lavi anymore, are you?"

Apparently, Kanda could read him as an open book as much as he could read Kanda as one.

"Was that eye-patch just some Lavi thing? I don't see the need for it then. Was it Lavi's idea of some kind of thing that would make him more appealing to the ladies or something stupid like that? I wouldn't put that past him. But then again considering how Lavi tensed whenever I got near it back then there must be something more to it."

Bookman gritted his teeth. Kanda was trying to hurt him like this, wasn't he? By saying that name and asking questions about him, making Bookman _remember_ things that were too painful to remember. It hurt that Kanda said that name and it hurt that he said Bookman so then what the hell did Bookman want him to say? Just what the hell...

"Stop talking about him!" Bookman snapped, his voice cracking with... everything, all the anger and the sadness and the pain. "Don't... Don't say that name, but don't... don't call me Bookman either, I-"

He didn't know what else to say, so he silenced and just continued to breathe.

"Then don't call me 'Kanda'," Kanda hissed, and Bookman could see his shadow moving a little as he took a few steps somewhere in the room, from the sound of it closer to the bed. Why was he coming closer? "You never did that before so why start now?"

"Because I'm not the same person anymore!"

It was getting harder to breathe because of the way Bookman's heart that shouldn't exist twisted in his chest, almost as if it twisted his lungs with it. He knew where this was heading, oh yes he knew, it was so damn clear. Why couldn't Kanda just get to it and spare him the suffering? And why couldn't he just stay over by the door and make this a little bit easier?

Firm hands gripped his collar and yanked, yanked so that he was nearly forced off the bed but instead he was just forced to look up, to face the intent glare on Kanda's face.

"No," Kanda said firmly. "That's not why. I'll tell you why. Because it's just easier on you, isn't it? It's not as personal and it's not Lavi, so that's just easier to do, isn't it? You were always so _fond_ of doing the easy things, you bastard."

...Kanda was touching him. Kanda was practically touching him. And Kanda was very close, much closer than Bookman was comfortable with but at the same time wanted him to come even closer so that he could kiss him, but, just, _no_. So, Bookman made an attempt to push him away, and that... was a bad idea.

He barely managed to register that he had been forcefully pulled off the bed before he was suddenly pushed up against the opposing wall, and memories of Kanda doing that all those years ago and kissing and touching him flashed before his eyes for a moment. But that was back then and not now and that wasn't happening now, so just stay out of this, memories and hormones, thank you.

"Six years," Kanda hissed. "I've waited for six years, _Lavi_, for at least a letter, but there hasn't been anything. I wasn't expecting to get anything or see you again for a few years, but _six years_, Lavi, without even a small sign. We said we wouldn't let it die. You agreed to it!" He growled and shoved Bookman into the wall again, harder. "I thought for sure that I'd be able to trust you! I really thought... you'd look for me."

He lowered his head and gritted his teeth, looking as if he was about to fall forward and press his forehead against Bookman's shoulder or something, but then he looked back up, and he looked hurt now. Still very angry, but hurt. And Bookman hated that. It was unnatural. On Kanda, it was unnatural and wrong and sure a part of Bookman wanted to hurt him, especially now that he was insisting on _torturing_ Bookman by saying all that, but that was physically and not like this.

"Why didn't you? Why do you look like you don't want to see me again? This wasn't how I pictured it and- But I guess that's not a surprise because the image I had of our reunion in my mind was just _stupid_! What was I thinking? Tch, I obviously wasn't." He slowly dropped his hands from Bookman's collar and stepped back a little, trembling, most likely more from the anger than the pain. "You said you'd find me. Why did you decide to ignore that promise? Knowing you, you have some damn pathetic excuse for it. Fuck you!"

Bookman kept practically pressing himself against the wall behind him, because standing up without support was hard. Yes... Kanda would definitely see it as something pathetic but... damn it, he had to accept it, he just had to.

"I..." Bookman began, just so that he wouldn't be quiet for too long as he tried to decide what to say. "Because I..." Screw it. "Because I didn't wanna go through that again! Because I love you too much!"

Kanda stepped back a little and stared at him. And there the mix of emotion got more obvious again; disbelief was especially obvious, and then there was anger and happiness and... still hurt like that, like he didn't want to see because it was too awful. But maybe he deserved that.

Kanda opened his mouth, but no, Bookman still had more to say.

"I'm not done," he said quickly and rubbed his forehead. "Just... Before, in the Order... Those last years, you and me... we came in a package, you know? Everyone in the order knew that. It was never just Lavi and never just Kanda, it was always Lavi and Kanda. It was never you and me, it was always us. We thought so too, you know? Being alone was hard and we just didn't do that if we didn't have to. So being apart from you... It hurt like hell. It felt like I was split in _half_, because we weren't a package anymore."

..."weren't" made it sound like they were now but... Maybe they were but... he didn't know. They shouldn't be, not anymore, but... But... It wasn't that easy.

"And once it finally stopped hurting so much, then I decided that I didn't want to go through it again so I... decided... not to search for you."

He swallowed and closed his eyes, tight, and turned his head to the side.

Silence.

"You just never change do you?" Kanda asked silently after a while, and very bitterly. "You're still a fucking coward."

Then it was silent again, for a brief moment, before there was a loud bang right next to Bookman's ear, and he flinched, slowly opening his eyes again. Kanda's fist was embedded in the wall beside his head - of course it had punched through - and his head was lowered again as he trembled, from a lot of things most likely, but probably more from anger than anything else. Damn it.

"What about me?" he continued, his voice trembling a little as well. "I went through that too, but I don't fucking care, I can go through it again, as long as I can keep seeing you. We _decided_ that we'd keep seeing each other. That's why..."

That was why Kanda even cared about that, of course... If they hadn't, he wouldn't have gotten so angry about Bookman not contacting him.

...it had been a mistake. That desicion, it had been a mistake.

He growled and pulled his hand out of wall to punch it again, but not as hard, just causing a dent this time, a dent above the hole, and raised his head to glare at Bookman.

"This isn't just about you!" he hissed sharply, and then raised his voice, but not too much. "This is about me too, about _us_, don't you get that?"

"I... Yeah, I..." Bookman said slowly and swallowed. "I do, I just..." He sighed. There wasn't any excuse for that. "Sorry. I... It's probably not enough, but I'm sorry."

Kanda frowned sceptically up at Bookman for a moment, before he slowly moved his hands to grip Bookman's shirt, leaning a bit against him, getting close enough for his breath to lightly hit Bookman's skin.

"Fuck you," he muttered.

The lid burst completely and the emotions escaped due to that all too familiar warmth and breath and voice registering in his mind, heart and soul all at once, as cheesy as that sounded. And his hands flew to Kanda's shoulders, gripping tightly as he shoved him away, but followed along and crashed their lips together. His body had reacted before he could stop it, and it did the same now, roughly gripping Kanda's hips next and pulling them forcefully against him as he pushed the samurai back towards the bed. His mind was in too much of an emotional haze for him to really understand what he was doing; all he knew was that it was _delicious_ and _just what he needed_.

But apparently, Kanda had only needed a couple of moments to gather himself together, and once he did, he growled low in his throat and gripped onto Bookman, no, Lavi, no, Bookman- He didn't know anymore. But Kanda gripped onto him, and they spun around, nearly tripping, and spun around again, until they tumbled onto the bed and Kanda landed on top of whoever-he-was and broke the kiss.

"You're different," Kanda breathed out as he worked on catching his breath, his hands still fisted in Bookman-now's shirt. "You're not..."

Bookman kneaded Kanda's back with one hand, somewhat still disbelieving that he was finally feeling his lover again, after all these years, while one hand moved to press lightly against Kanda's throat. For a moment, he thought about closing his fingers around that throat for a little while to hurt Kanda, since he still hadn't done that, and his fingers twitched accordingly. But he dropped the hand not much later, and the arm fell to cover his eyes.

"What did you expect?" he asked silently.

"Could you-? La- You... Are we going to... do this?" Kanda asked instead of answering, like Bookman wanted him to. No, really, did he _think_ it was going to be his Lavi? "Are we going to continue?"

He was torn, Bookman could see it. He both wanted to move closer and to pull away, and that was probably why he just stayed in that position.

"I... I don't know, I..." Bookman said hesitantly, and moved both of his arms to hold Kanda still when it seemed he had decided to move away, but he hadn't meant to stop it like that, just happened. Oh well...

Kanda scowled and stared down at him with those dark and sharp eyes that made his heart beat loudly in his ears, and he had to look away eventually because that was... It... It felt _so good_ to have Kanda here like this but was it... worth it? Kanda apparently thought so but... But this was just as rough so if he was okay with seeing Kanda again if they would stumble onto each other then that wouldn't be so hard, _if_ it happened like this again...

It wasn't so likely, not likely at all really, but...

"I was... hoping you'd have found someone else by now," he muttered silently. "Or something..."

Kanda snorted, and it was mocking, and he dipped down a little so that his breath hit Bookman's face, but that was it. Bookman wanted him to come closer.

"No one could understand me like you can," he grumbled stubbornly and it both hurt Bookman and make him very happy to hear that. "What fucking use is it? I don't even know what the hell I'm still doing here. I... I should be _dead_, damn it." He gritted his teeth and his hands clenched Bookman's shirt hard. "That would be for the best for everyone but I'm not and Lenalee's _trying_ to make it work but I just- I can't- _Fuck_."

Realisation hit Bookman like a stab to the heart.

Kanda was... Kanda had been a soldier his whole life and he... A normal life was impossible in his eyes. And he had thought that he would get to see Lavi again and...

Goddamnit.

"I hate this life," Kanda finished with a tone dripping with bitterness. "And then you never _came_-"

"Sorry," Bookman blurted out again, and violently shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "Just- Sorry. I... We'll do it, and I'll write you letters in-between, I just... I'm sorry."

"If you don't-"

"I do."

No, Kanda shouldn't for once think that Bookman didn't want this.

Kanda inhaled sharply, and then their lips met again, harshly and desperately and sloppily, just like their first kiss when Lavi had cracked under the pressure of liking someone _so intensily_. For a moment, neither of them seemed to know what to do with their hands, wanting to touch everything all at once because they had simply been away for far too long, but eventually Kanda's hands flew to Bookman's hair and Bookman's hands moved to press against Kanda's chest where the tattoo and his heart were.

It was pretty much too good to be true, and while Bookman still wasn't looking forward to separating again, he tried not to think about that now because that hurt and he didn't want to be hurting right now.

Kanda pulled off his hairtie and broke the kiss, lightly biting his lower lip before pressing his lips to his jaw.

"You're different," he said again and pushed his forehead against Bookman's neck, his hands sliding down from his hair to rest on his shoulders, lightly clenching. "I get it that you're..." a huff, "the Bookman and not Lavi but I want... Could you be Lavi for just a little while?"

Bookman frowned and looked a bit to the side, absently moving his arms to wrap around Kanda's shoulders. He could understand that, but it somewhat hurt him too; knowing that the one Kanda loved was _Lavi_ and not Bookman. Sure, he was still somewhat like Lavi, but not completely, he was different. Kanda was different too, but not in the same way; he had just grown a little over the years, matured a bit, and while he seemed to be able to control his temper better he seemed... angrier than usual. Not that Bookman was surprised.

"Then... Help me," Bookman mumbled and sighed softly. "I left Lavi behind completely; I think you have him."

Kanda snorted, and yes Bookman was very aware how stupid that sounded but it was true, and raised his head to glare down at Bookman.

"You're mad," he grunted and rolled his eyes, then asked in a very dry tone; "How the hell am I supposed to give him back then?"

"I dunno," Bookman said and shrugged, moving his hand to pull off Kanda's hairtie as well, allowing his fingers to linger at the familiar feeling of that soft hair against his skin. "How can you take care of hair like this?"

As it fell, it landed beside Bookman's head and locked them inside a nice and safe sphere where they were the only ones, and everything else was left outside. Like the Bookman business, and the ghosts left from the war, and all the anger. And Bookman _smiled_ as Kanda scowled, and suddenly it really was them again.

Lavi and Kanda.

"I have the time," Kanda said with a soft bitterness that showed that he _saw_ that it was Lavi in front of him now, and Lavi let a hand fall to grip one of his as he leaned down for another kiss.

"Like that," Lavi mumbled and gently nudged his head closer to make the kiss deep, tracing his thumb over his ear and massaging his scalp to really _feel_.

Yes, that was what was needed. A visible wall behind which he could put everything else, and then maybe his mind could create some form of invisible wall once that was done. It should be able to, definitely; he was a trained Bookman after all. He just had to get used to using a persona again because he hadn't really done so for so long now; it was weird. But then it wasn't quite as much of a persona because he somewhat _was_ Lavi in a lot of ways, or Lavi was him in a lot of ways, whichever, but he leaned more towards the latter actually.

But it didn't matter, did it?

Once the kiss broke, he opened his eyes and stroked Kanda's face with his fingers. It felt somewhat surreal, because it had been so long, and it was all both very familiar and very unfamiliar, because Kanda did look a bit different so it felt different. It was odd. But nice. Oh, Kanda, how much he had missed doing this. He really wanted to touch _everything_, but the face seemed like a good place to start.

"You look good," he mumbled silently, nearly a whisper.

Kanda just snorted as a reply, and then put his hand on the right side of Lavi's face. He instinctively flinched a little, but didn't move as Kanda's thumb stroked over his eyebrow, down his temple to his cheek, and then up to finally touch his eyelid, which of course automatically closed. He wasn't really sure how to react, because he was Lavi now and Lavi wanted to shove the hand off, but he knew that it wasn't anything to care about so... No, he just wasn't going to do anything.

"So what was with this?" Kanda asked and huffed a little. "What's the big deal? I don't get why you never wanted anyone near it. It just has a different colour."

Yeah, it was lighter, so it looked somewhat blind-like.

Lavi sighed softly. "I just didn't want people to ask why I had an eye-patch on when I do have an eye," he explained and shrugged a little. "It's the reason that Bookman picked me up; it notices details that no one else does, pretty much. I used to freak people out when I was a kid and didn't know that it wasn't normal, and I was forced to cover it up eventually. Bookman told me to keep it 'cause he didn't want me to get dependent on it; he wanted me t'be able to record with no problems without it."

Kanda raised an eyebrow, and then shook his head. "Details? Like what?" he said blankly.

"Like how every muscle twitches and the tiniest change of expression that people're normally unaware of themselves, that sorta thing," Lavi said and smiled a little. "I don't really need it, but it's very useful when talkin' to people who're masters at lying or the like."

Kanda didn't look highly pleased, but apparently decided not to pry on the subject anymore even if he looked like he wanted to ask something more, and moved his hand to tug at Lavi's hair instead. His expression changed slightly and he looked almost disappointed for a moment, but then his typical scowl was back.

"And why did you let your hair grow?" he asked somewhat grumpily, and in one very sudden movement he had buried his nose in that hair. "I liked it better when it was short."

Lavi laughed silently. Yes, he was very aware of how much Kanda liked his hair back then. It had been obvious from the way he had always buried in his nose in it very lovingly, which was odd in everything when it came to Kanda but not when it came to Lavi's hair. Kanda always, no exceptions, buried his nose in Lavi's hair in a special way that was unlike any other.

...maybe he could cut it.

"Just for a change," he said and tilted his head a little, letting out a small purr. "And I like long hair." It was pretty obvious why. "And I guess I got too lazy to cut it for a while so it just grew. Decided t'keep it like this."

It was silent for a while and their hands began to move to touch as much as they could reach in that position, and Lavi shivered as Kanda's hands found their way under his shirt after a while, and he moved his fingers inside Kanda's waistband as payback. There was no doubt in his mind anymore where this was heading, but of course he had no complaints. Except that it was kind of in the middle of the day so it was a bit of, uh... not quite the time for that, really, maybe, but...

Well, they had time, and he actually still wanted to catch up on things. Even if feeling Kanda's skin under his fingers and feeling Kanda's hands on his skin made things hot very quickly, because it had after all been six whole years since they separated, he didn't quite want to get onto something just yet. So he sat up.

Kanda grumbled from where he had ended up straddling Lavi's lap and raised his head, looking at him with a grumpily questioning expression.

"You taste like cigarettes, by the way," he stated dryly and kissed Lavi's neck, scowling. "When did you start to smoke?"

Lavi twisted a little uncomfortably. "Not so long after I left," he said and grimaced a little, tilting his head a bit to the side on reflex to show his neck more. "I was used to it since the old man smoked, y'know, and it's calming, so I started. Sorry."

"Che."

He laughed and buried his face in the cloth on Kanda's shoulder. "Still doin' that I see," he said amusingly and ran his fingers through his lover's hair. It really _was_ long, wow.

"Of course," Kanda muttered.

It was silent for another short while, during which Kanda's hands moved to rub at Lavi's back. While it was obvious that they had been together for years because they still very much knew about each other's sensitive spots, it was also a bit treading, like they were discovering it all over again anyway. And, well, they were, weren't they? Lavi sighed and arched his back a little against the very nice touches, but eventually placed his hands on Kanda's shoulders to gently push him away a bit.

"Can we wait a bit with that?" he asked a bit sheepishly and grinned to fit the tone. "I... wanna do it, but I wanna catch up a little too. I wanna hear how everyone else are doin' and such. And... Y'know, I have scissors. You can cut my hair if you'd like."

Kanda looked at Lavi with a bit of surprise; probably at the fact that he just denied sex for the sake of simply talking about life, which he actually... normally didn't do, no. But, Kanda, he wasn't the same person anymore either, and not only in the way that he was Bookman and not Lavi but because he had had a chance to grow too. And that he went with something that Kanda, even if he didn't say it, wanted without even questioning or anything, because, yes, he knew Kanda really wanted the shorter hair back, and he didn't mind even if he had grown fond of the long hair.

This was special and he wasn't going to waste that on being a bastard because he wasn't like that anymore and neither did he want to be. Not that he ever had but... still. They were different now, and they had to catch up on that, remember what they used to be and... he didn't want to rush that.

If they were going to do this, this occasional reunions thing, they were going to do it properly.

Kanda smoothened out his expression - which meant that he returned it to the proper casual scowl - and got off Lavi, crossing his legs on the bed.

"Alright," he said.

Lavi smiled and went to fetch the scissors from one of his many bags. Then he went back to the bed and handed them to Kanda as he sat down on the edge. Kanda could do whatever he wanted with his hair, because Lavi, and Bookman, trusted him.

"What do you during the day anyway?" Lavi asked curiously as Kanda fingered a bit on his hair. "Ya gotta have some work of sorts."

Kanda was silent for a moment. "Gardener," he grunted, and jabbed a couple of fingers into Lavi's spine as he got laughter in reply.

He cut off some of the long, red hair, and Lavi saw that he tucked it away in his pocket. But he didn't say anything about that, though that made him sort of want some of Kanda's hair as a reminder too.

Maybe he could ask... He would just say that it was only _fair_ if Kanda tried to deny him that.

He was going backwards, not only in the way that he was seeing Kanda but also that he was cutting his hair again, even if that wasn't a big deal or anything, and that was something Bookmen should never do for personal reasons like this, but he didn't care.

He wanted to, and even if it was going to hurt, well...

Those emotions could just go screw themselves.


End file.
